Well, the other night mother found out her fuck buddy died.

He was an alright person by my standards.

But now mother is all emo and depressed. About her fuck buddy/friend dying. I understand that, but I have one problem with this.

HE APPARENTLY MEANT MORE TO MOTHER THAN THE PERSON SHE MARRIED! THE ONE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO LOOOOOOOOOVE!

So apparently Dad meant shit to her. Not surprising. Fuck, she didn't give a shit about him at the end and I should've realized this.

When dad died, it was like nothing happened. Life went back to normal for her minus one person and a couple of hundreds of dollars a month.

Fuck all this shit. I bet she can't wait for me to die. She can then be happy and go off and be with another fuck buddy she'll eventually find.

I have to get away from here. Be it by moving away or offing myself. I will not stay here for much longer. I will not do this shit.

There's not much tying me here now that my mother obviously cared more for a guy she ONLY MET TWICE IN HER LIFE! Than the man who MARRIED HER BITCHY ASS! ARGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Be glad.

For those who have a penis-be afraid, be very afraid.

A friend of mine started linking me to youtube videos by a certain band.

This friend started talking about a certain song by this band aaaaaaaaaaand YOU SHOULD WATCH IT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFz1kBl8dVQ

Embedding was disabled and I'm too lazy to try and figure it out so there you go.

AKA I hate the fucking bookstore.

I have Econ this semester.

I got the book the bookstore had.

It isn't a required textbook-hell it wasn't even approved for ordering from the economics section.

AND I need a connect card that comes with the version that they were supposed to order.

I paid 117 dollars about where it was to cost me 70 something. AND I still gotta buy that fucking connect card.

They are supposed to take my book back, give me the other, and give me money.

They ordered it last week-weds. It was supposed to get there friday and I've been going up there everyday since friday that they've been opened. It wasn't in on friday btw. My econ professor says it is in today. So I go to the bookstore. It is in, but they are too fucking lazy to do the shit so they can sell it to me and fix WHAT THEY FUCKED UP!

So I have to wait til tomorrow and walk all the way across campus for a fucking book because these assholes can't do their jobs right or on time.

I am not buying from the fucking bookstore anymore. Hi bradleys how you doing?

AKA Why I hate Campus Parking.

30$ for a parking sticker last year for my piece of shit campus with no so awesome parking.

Now it is going to be a great 50$.

No new parking spots no upgrades in anything, but fucking price.

GAH! I could understand it if we were like Knoxville or some shit, but we ain't.

Burn in hell UTM.

My mother seems to hate all peoples that are peoples by blood.

She loves my brother.

I am a peoples by blood. She hates me as well.

Soundtrack for the movie of you:
1) Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2) Put it on shuffle.
3) Press play.
4) For every question, type the song that's playing.
5) When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6) Don't lie.
7) Tag five friends.

Opening Credits: Wherever I May Roam-Metallica

Waking Up: Of Wolf and Man-Metallica (it is on shuffle I swear)

First Day of School: Boulevard of Broken Dreams-Greenday

Falling In Love: Just to See You Smile-Tim McGraw

Fight Song: Can You See Me Now-T.A.T.U.

Break-Up Song: 1000 no Kotoba-Koda Kumi

Prom: I'm Just a Kid-Simple Plan

Mental Breakdown: She Never Lets It Go to Her Heart-Tim McGraw

Flashback: It's Your Love-Tim McGraw

Wedding: Moonlight Densetsu-I have no clue

Birth of a Child: The End-My Chemical Romance

Final Battle: My Friend of Misery-Metallica

Death Scene: Forgotten-Linkin Park

Great Death: Holier Than Thou-Metallica

Funeral Song: Through the Never-Metallica (Windows Media apparently like my Metallica CD)

Ending Credits: Shiroi-Malice Mizer

Got some good music-got some weird music-and then some random mixed in.

How good do you think my soundtrack is?

I've been talking to this asian dude. 27 years old supposedly. And he's pretty cool and shit until now.

stupidguy5121 is available (3:30:29 PM)
wolfsbanedragon (3:32:59 PM): hey whats up?
stupidguy5121 (3:33:13 PM): hi whose this
wolfsbanedragon (3:34:00 PM): the person it always is >_<
stupidguy5121 (3:34:19 PM): Huh?
wolfsbanedragon (3:34:26 PM): ...
stupidguy5121 (3:34:55 PM): Are you one of Jame's friend?
wolfsbanedragon (3:35:15 PM): who are you then? *is confused*
stupidguy5121 (3:35:38 PM): Jennifer
wolfsbanedragon (3:35:45 PM): oh hello ^_^
wolfsbanedragon (3:35:58 PM): dunno who you are lol but nice to meet you ^_^
stupidguy5121 (3:37:16 PM): I'm Jame's fiancee
stupidguy5121 (3:37:46 PM): Nice to meet you too err I never got your name?
wolfsbanedragon (3:37:53 PM): i'm robbie
stupidguy5121 (3:37:59 PM): Hi robbie
stupidguy5121 (3:38:18 PM): Nice to meet you ^_~
wolfsbanedragon (3:38:30 PM): ^_^ so what's up?
stupidguy5121 (3:38:55 PM): Waiting for James to get home from work kekeke
stupidguy5121 (3:39:37 PM): Be right back I have to restart pidgin
stupidguy5121 is available (3:40:09 PM)
stupidguy5121 (3:41:03 PM): Kay sorry about that I updated pidgin and I had to log off for it to update
wolfsbanedragon (3:41:18 PM): wb
stupidguy5121 (3:41:32 PM): Thanks ^-^
wolfsbanedragon (3:41:46 PM): ^^
stupidguy5121 (3:42:10 PM): So how do you know James?
wolfsbanedragon (3:42:30 PM): I met him on a website somewhere
stupidguy5121 (3:42:40 PM): Oh I see
stupidguy5121 (3:42:55 PM): How long have you known him for?
wolfsbanedragon (3:43:36 PM): I dunno...actually *is bad with time lol*
stupidguy5121 (3:43:52 PM): lol its ok ^-^

Yep-and he showed me his penis on webcam last night. Forgot to mention that. Radar is going off. Either he's as asshole (pretending to be someone else) or cheating (also makes him an asshole).

stupidguy5121 is available (3:52:35 PM)
stupidguy5121 (5:03:55 PM): :P hi hi
wolfsbanedragon (5:04:01 PM): hi
stupidguy5121 (5:04:45 PM): whats up
wolfsbanedragon (5:05:12 PM): nmu?
stupidguy5121 (5:06:21 PM): same
stupidguy5121 (5:06:23 PM): just relaxing xD
wolfsbanedragon (5:07:25 PM): do you have a fiancee?
stupidguy5121 (5:07:40 PM): err no why?
wolfsbanedragon (5:08:14 PM): ...well someone was on here waitinf for....someone to get hoem from work and stuff and all that and they started talking to me...?
stupidguy5121 (5:08:37 PM): err O.o
wolfsbanedragon (5:08:53 PM): I think her name was Jennifer?
stupidguy5121 (5:09:40 PM): o.o
wolfsbanedragon (5:10:08 PM): and that face means what exactly?
stupidguy5121 (5:10:52 PM): means gotcha ^^
wolfsbanedragon (5:11:29 PM): goodbye

Why can't it be BOTH?!
At this point I tell my cousin to intervene since she's been reading all this and she is delighted to do so to the asshole.

wolfsbanedragon (5:18:47 PM): HELLO
wolfsbanedragon (5:20:28 PM): u are a dumb fucker tell me how u going to play like u got a fiancee to my cousin she wanted to be ur friend hahaha asshole u needa get laid u sorry fuck face ur so childish and stupid wtf is tha point in tht
stupidguy5121 (5:20:43 PM): i was joking about that
wolfsbanedragon (5:22:49 PM): well it made her mad and hurt her feeling tht u would lie about tht shit tht like sayin oh i dnt like u so im goin to say fiancee
wolfsbanedragon (5:23:04 PM): fucker
wolfsbanedragon (5:23:08 PM): grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
wolfsbanedragon (5:23:17 PM): UR FACE
wolfsbanedragon (5:23:50 PM): she is mad at u and said go shove ur centimeter peter up ur ass
wolfsbanedragon (5:23:54 PM):
wolfsbanedragon (5:26:57 PM): ok well bye i will let u go so if u want to be friends with her u needa kiss ASS boi

I can't deal with stupid fucking assholes. If any of y'all gonna pull this type of shit, just leave me the hell alone.

I hate these type of people.

They make me lose what little faith I have in the human race. Fuck this shit.

Ahh this lovely lovely story has my cousin Diane and my friend Bobby.

They were play wrestling like the fucktards they are. Bobby threw a brush at Diane and hit her in the mouth area. She got pissed and stabbed Bobby. He needs stitches (it is wide, but not very deep). He won't go to the hospital.

Diane's teeth are hurting her and two or more of them are loose. And she keeps fucking with them which is just going to make it worse.

I told mother about this and she said something on the phone. She said something I've been thinking for awhile now. They wouldn't do this shit in their own house so no one is going to be allowed over anymore if this continues.

So I have a new rule.

No more fucking wrestling. If you try to start one-you're not allowed over anymore.

This is the message I sent to my car tagging bitch of a cousin.

Tiffany, I hope you know you've totally fucked up. Not that you give a damn.

Spray paint my car. Nice move. Fuck with me. You may might have not realized it, but by doing that you;ve totally fucked yourself over with that.

So you gonna pay for a paint job? Or for the car to be fixed? OR for the car? After what you did, I should take you to court. But I have a little more decency with you and won't do that to family. You have no morals and you don't give a shit about anyone. I hope you are happy after you've done fucked yourself over with your OWN family.

You will end up dying alone (or around people who don't give a shit about you which is worse) if you continue on this path. Maybe you'll spend your life jail if you continue down this path.

If you continue down this path, forget about college and forget about the future. There is no hope unless your change. That itself makes me sad (even if it wasn't you)

Goodbye.

I'm still getting it, but now we've run into a problem.

Someone spray painted the car.

I'm about to go stab people until someone comes forward.

Homeowners insurance won't cover it and it isn't insured (it is still my aunt's)

This is why I hate cars. I have no luck with them

Maybe later I'll rant on this some more, but considering mom woke me up about 3 hours too earlier....

Ah now I have returned.

My aunt called me and said she thought her daughter did it. (Her daughter is currently staying at someone else's house.)

Why do we think this?

Aunt Betty pissed her off the other day and today her van is tagged. Hmmm......I wonder who did it?

This is some bullshit. I can't even trust my own family. She was one of them I liked.

We will be having a nice little chat on the way to Martin monday.

If she did it-homicidal urges will rise.

My homicidal urges are rising in general now.

AKA:Why you should never believe what your advisor says.

Let's start back a few months ago when naive me was signing up for fall semester classes.

My advisor has disappeared from the face of the earth (Rhonda Jones). So I was sent to an Elizabeth Johnson within the student success center. I had no major (and currently still do not). She said that was fine and she helped my sign up for classes towards a business major. I thought I had to declare at the end of my fourth semester-she said nay. I believed her and that is where it all went wrong.

Now let us skip to today when I check my UTM email and portal. Oh look a nice little hold. An undeclared hold? WTF?! I can't confirm my plans to attend or anything now which means I must declare before the purge date or sob in a corner.

I HATE this place. The only reason I go here is it is effing cheap and I have a full ride.

Right now I wouldn't want to drive my car to UTM b/c it is trying to die on me. So yeah.....

Thanks for screwing me over UTM.

Creepy Dude (9:57:44 PM): how was college?
wolfsbanedragon (9:58:01 PM): it was collegey I was on the deans list again
wolfsbanedragon (9:58:12 PM): and i got an eyebrow piercing now >> <<
Creepy Dude(9:58:36 PM): ata girl
Creepy Dude (9:58:47 PM): your bad ass now
wolfsbanedragon (9:59:00 PM): you do know i have lip rings?
Creepy Dude (9:59:24 PM): on which lip?
wolfsbanedragon (9:59:40 PM): bottom
Creepy Dude (10:00:37 PM): you have more then one lip pierced?
wolfsbanedragon (10:00:50 PM): ive had the lip pierced twice
Creepy Dude (10:01:14 PM): as long as you didn't pierce your lower lips
wolfsbanedragon (10:01:23 PM): i wasnt planning on it
Creepy Dude (10:01:38 PM): i never had a prince albert
wolfsbanedragon (10:01:49 PM): one of my cousins has one ^_^
Creepy Dude(10:01:52 PM): i know people who have done it
Creepy Dude (10:01:57 PM): ouch
wolfsbanedragon (10:02:21 PM): he told me he like passed out when he saw blood
wolfsbanedragon (10:02:51 PM): do you have any piercings?
Creepy Dude (10:02:58 PM): no
Creepy Dude(10:03:27 PM): you know i'm a married man now
wolfsbanedragon (10:03:51 PM): cool (but how do you connect that to piercings?)
wolfsbanedragon (10:04:06 PM): I will be the crazy lady down the street-never married >> <<
HammerheadNick (10:04:44 PM): why not?
wolfsbanedragon (10:05:03 PM): i just cant see myself ever being married ><
Creepy Dude (10:05:39 PM): i can see you getting hitched
Creepy Dude (10:05:54 PM): your a cute girl someone will fall for you
wolfsbanedragon (10:07:02 PM): *insert preferred insolent gesture here*

Until now everything is normal-talking to a guy about life you know? And joking a bit

Creepy Dude (10:07:50 PM): ok that or you'll be someone who goes around naked in her own house atching american idol and late night tv

Creepiness starts.

wolfsbanedragon (10:08:09 PM): O.o..........................no.
wolfsbanedragon (10:08:40 PM): though I might do that if any neices/nephews come around
Creepy Dude (10:09:18 PM): go in the nude in front of your neices and nephews?O.o
wolfsbanedragon (10:10:33 PM): AKA in the future when my cousins have children
wolfsbanedragon (10:10:48 PM): old (to them) and naked MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Trying to joke-hoping it will go in another direction.

Creepy Dude (10:11:16 PM): you could do the naked thing now and start practicing

And of course it doesn't

wolfsbanedragon (10:11:36 PM): >< no thank you
Creepy Dude (10:11:48 PM): why not
(10:11:59 PM): its hot down there
wolfsbanedragon (10:12:03 PM): i am comfortable in my clothes
wolfsbanedragon (10:12:06 PM): we have ac

This is me knowing where this is probably going to lead and hoping it doesn't

Creepy Dude(10:12:21 PM): why don't you change into a robe
wolfsbanedragon (10:12:31 PM): dont have one
Creepy Dude (10:12:35 PM): a towel
wolfsbanedragon (10:13:18 PM): ><
Creepy Dude (10:13:47 PM): come on you could do it
(10:13:52 PM): breathe alittle
wolfsbanedragon (10:14:02 PM): i breathe all the time
Creepy Dude (10:14:12 PM): let your body breathe
(10:14:25 PM): tennesse gets freaking hot in the summer
wolfsbanedragon (10:14:42 PM): hot is 100+ it hasnt hit that yet
wolfsbanedragon (10:14:50 PM): its actually pretty nice down here right now
Creepy Dude (10:15:14 PM): so get more comfy
Creepy Dude (10:15:32 PM): get naked and kick back and chill

How do I block people on AIM again? (And who thinks I'll give him a second chance?)

wolfsbanedragon (10:16:09 PM): yep with windows with no curtains
Creepy Dude (10:16:35 PM): so then get a towel
(10:16:43 PM): wear it loosely
(10:21:47 PM): well are you gonna do it?
wolfsbanedragon (10:22:08 PM): what do you think
Creepy Dude (10:22:16 PM): yes
(10:22:23 PM): am i right?
wolfsbanedragon (10:22:28 PM): you get another guess
Creepy Dude (10:22:37 PM): why not
wolfsbanedragon (10:22:57 PM): dont want to
Creepy Dude(10:23:20 PM): ok how about just a tee shirt
(10:23:32 PM): a xxl tee
wolfsbanedragon (10:24:30 PM): i am comfortable in what i am in now
Creepy Dude (10:25:34 PM): i know but what do you sleep in?
wolfsbanedragon (10:25:47 PM): whatever i wear for the day usually
Creepy Dude (10:26:06 PM): you should sleep in very little
(10:26:24 PM): cooling down the body actually helps you sleep
(10:28:43 PM): have you ever been to disneyworld?

Random conversation change....

wolfsbanedragon (10:29:01 PM): the one in florida (i dunno if thats world or land...)
Creepy Dude (10:29:13 PM): yeah world
wolfsbanedragon (10:29:24 PM): been there ^_^
Creepy Dude (10:29:38 PM): we went there on our honeymoon
(10:29:54 PM): want to see pics?
wolfsbanedragon (10:29:59 PM): sure ^_^
ATTENTION (10:30:35 PM): Direct IM session initiated. What is this?

*insert purdy wedding pictures here*

wolfsbanedragon (10:31:56 PM): aww ^_^

Creepy Dude (10:34:55 PM): did you get any of them?
wolfsbanedragon (10:35:19 PM): i got three ^_^ she's pretty ^_^
Creepy Dude(10:35:33 PM): show me pictures of you

And me being an idiot shows him a picture not knowing where it will lead me. This is starting to sound like a lifetime movie.

wolfsbanedragon (10:36:09 PM): *looks for non crappy pictures*
wolfsbanedragon (10:36:54 PM): i dont have many new one s><
Creepy Dude (10:37:08 PM): show me what you have
wolfsbanedragon (10:37:33 PM): im looking
wolfsbanedragon (10:38:32 PM): my friend likes to take random pictures

Hey whatchu doing 7th rock? That picture was a bad choice T-T

wolfsbanedragon (10:38:34 PM): and i let her
Creepy Dude (10:39:04 PM): are they appropriate?
wolfsbanedragon (10:39:14 PM): I think they are?
Creepy Dude (10:40:02 PM): wow
wolfsbanedragon (10:40:10 PM): ?
Creepy Dude (10:40:17 PM): you grew

That should've been a hint to run right there, but I'm dense at times.

wolfsbanedragon (10:40:27 PM): im 19 ><
Creepy Dude (10:40:54 PM): from the junior high gal i knew to a college student
(10:42:39 PM): u should model
wolfsbanedragon (10:43:03 PM): >< I think I smell bs ><
Creepy Dude (10:43:50 PM): no seriously
(10:44:00 PM): the eyes
(10:44:06 PM): the smile was great
(10:46:12 PM): you ever take life art in college?

By this time, we can pretend I was drinking right?

wolfsbanedragon (10:46:48 PM): understanding visual art and art hist is all ive taken in that area
Creepy Dude (10:47:12 PM): i mean drawing models
(10:47:49 PM): well you should try modeling in college for class
wolfsbanedragon (10:48:09 PM): blegh >< my major is business btw
Creepy Dude (10:49:42 PM): ok but just on the side
wolfsbanedragon (10:50:24 PM): eyebroww ^_^

This is when I was sending a pic of my eyebrow ring BTW

Creepy Dude (10:50:37 PM): well would you?
(10:50:46 PM): guys would check you out
wolfsbanedragon (10:50:46 PM): probably not ><
wolfsbanedragon (10:51:00 PM): and I would cut it off.......or my cousin would

Hint to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

wolfsbanedragon (10:51:33 PM): I could see my cousin cutting it off I really could
Creepy Dude (10:51:44 PM): you'd be making money too
(10:51:58 PM): colleges pay you to do that
wolfsbanedragon (10:52:12 PM): i doubt mine would
Creepy Dude (10:52:18 PM): even cut your tuition

I got a full ride MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

wolfsbanedragon (10:52:19 PM): we be poor redneck college here

YAY UTM!

Creepy Dude (10:52:29 PM): check it out though
(10:52:52 PM): give it a try though
wolfsbanedragon (10:53:02 PM): *shrugs*
wolfsbanedragon (10:53:20 PM): I care more about writting than that *shrugs*
Creepy Dude (10:53:36 PM): you'd pose in front of art students
wolfsbanedragon (10:54:21 PM): i dont really like that idea ><
Creepy Dude (10:54:29 PM): the only thing you would have to consider is the fact that they'll want you to pose nude

Neither of my previous boyfriends have seen me nude so neither are you or art students.

wolfsbanedragon (10:54:36 PM): hell no
Creepy Dude (10:54:56 PM): you got a camera on you right?
wolfsbanedragon (10:55:10 PM): i ate it ><

GOD! Let it drop already.

Creepy Dude (10:55:22 PM): seriouslty
(10:55:28 PM): do you
wolfsbanedragon (10:55:43 PM): *stares at camera* no

I don't like lying and I'm stupid I swear.

Creepy Dude (10:55:53 PM): hear me out
(10:56:11 PM): take a picture of yourself in a bathing suit and show me
wolfsbanedragon (10:56:35 PM): no >< I am like my father-no big on pictures in general
Creepy Dude (10:56:51 PM): give it a shot
(11:00:49 PM): i'll only see it then delete it
wolfsbanedragon (11:03:59 PM): what if i told you i couldnt find it
Creepy Dude (11:04:12 PM): i think you could
wolfsbanedragon (11:06:36 PM): i just found one btw dunno if it fits tho
Creepy Dude (11:06:48 PM): try it
(11:07:03 PM): you could always pose nude too
(11:07:21 PM): i'll just delete it as soon as i see it

Sure you would. That's what they all say isn't it? (No nudes for anyone thank you)

wolfsbanedragon (11:08:34 PM): no
Creepy Dude (11:09:01 PM): trust me i'll look andscrap it
wolfsbanedragon (11:09:49 PM): no nude
Creepy Dude (11:10:05 PM): ok how about back nude
wolfsbanedragon (11:10:50 PM): i repeat no
Creepy Dude (11:11:07 PM): ok bikini shot it is then
wolfsbanedragon (11:11:29 PM): lol thats what you think
Creepy Dude (11:11:53 PM): hey don';t be shy
wolfsbanedragon (11:14:12 PM): i hope your eyes burn when i send this to you
Creepy Dude (11:14:26 PM): go ahead
wolfsbanedragon (11:15:16 PM): shouldve flipped off the camera ><

Picture Sent

Creepy Dude (11:16:21 PM): sexy
(11:17:12 PM): now do that with just your hands covering you in the nude
(11:17:13 PM): lol
(11:17:24 PM): like venus in the shell

I actually know that painting and no.

wolfsbanedragon (11:17:31 PM): grrrr
Creepy Dude (11:18:09 PM): and put your feet up on the couch when you do it so i see all of you
wolfsbanedragon (11:18:17 PM): dream on
Creepy Dude (11:18:20 PM): you got a nature talent
(11:18:46 PM): give the nude shot a try
wolfsbanedragon (11:18:52 PM): no
Creepy Dude (11:18:55 PM): you got the right stuff
(11:19:22 PM): at least do it with one hand covering your breasts and one covering down there
wolfsbanedragon (11:19:30 PM): no

The rest is-get naked and send me a pic and you're beautiful and I'll delete it.

AKA BULL SHIT!

He just wants some nudes.

I am not comfortable with this shit and he's pushing me to do that stuff. I don't want and he thinks because he's asking I'll do it.

Supposedly he's just trying to help me-I don't believe it.

I'm done for now

We all know how my couisn Diane pretty much comes over every weekend right?

Well, I'm finally tired of the bullshit.

My dad was right. Carl and Diane will hang around us while they have a use for us and then leave us to die. (I think Carl may have changed....)

Anyway-one weekend she forgot to tell me to not get her so wasted gas. Another one she called on THURSDAY to tell me not to get her the next day, but my phone didn't ring-probably called from a restricted number-so normally I wouldn't have checked my voice mail (and mom forget when Diane called the house until I brough it up) which means wasted gas except that time I did check it.

Anyway this time-I had Brandon text her to see if I was to get her this weekend. That's when she decided to inform of something she'd probably known about for weeks and had been skipping. Saturday school. And she was getting baptized sunday (that's a good thing). Nice, telling me now-why not invite me to the baptism-of course not. Anyway I was annoyed, but no biggie-the saturday school was for credit recovery (which I will touch on later).

She calls back later-talking to Brandon. He tells me she said-I'm trying to better myself and I'm crying because you (me) don't give a damn essentially. That's why the fuck I told you to GO TO SATURDAY SCHOOL! FUCK! I don't want people in general to fail highschool or have bad G.P.A's. That will fuck you up.

Then I called her and cursed her. Telling her to not blame her shit on me and that I told her to go and not to try to say I don't give a damn. I told her to fuck off.

Later Brandon tells me she said she ain't going to have anything to do with me or anything until I apologize. Fuck that. I didn't start the shit. She owes me an apology. I wash my hands of her.

Later, I was thinking-she said she could get those hours back in credit recovery instead of saturday school. So is she lying to me now? Or was she lying to me then?

It doesn't matter anymore for I wash my hands of her.

April 3, 2007

It has been exactly two years since dad left this world.

Every time I think of it, I wish to cry, but currently I am in a meeting and won't do it. I hate crying in front of people.

Anyway, I miss him just as much now if not more. He's been gone for two years, but it doesn't feel like it has been anywhere near that amount of time.

I hope he isn't disappointed in me. I don't want to let anyone down-especially him.

I want people to be proud of me and to be happy. I like making people happy, but it is hard sometimes. I miss my dad. I can't have a boyfriend. I'm afraid my friends are going to abandon me.

Did this all start when dad died? Or did it just become more pronounced once he left?

Nothing really happened except a few things.

I got a second lip piercing.

And I started dating a boy (Charlie) on Feb. 14. Ironic isn't it?

Then we skip to a month and a week after getting with this boy. By this time I realized I loved him. And personally I (along with my cousin) are not comfortable with having this type of revelation. It means we are dependent on this person. We can be easily destroyed by this person because if I love you-it isn't a conscious decision. It is usually decided by my heart and then my heart forgets to tell my brain for awhile. Then once I figure it out-I start freaking out thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm going to get hurt AGAIN! I put that aside because I LOVE him like the stupid ass I am. Then guess what happens? I get hurt again like I thought I would.

This Charlie calls me last.....friday to tell me something I wished had never happened. He said on thursday before the meeting, he cheated on me with a certain friend of mine that we shall call Slutty Bunny. Slutty Bunny said she wouldn't do that with my boyfriend because she's my friend and blah blah blah. Well anyway, I had a couple of friends over when he called (which I froze for awhile and hung up on him) They called him back and bitched at him-even 7th_rock_alien did, bless her soul. Well, then we went to UTM. 7th_rock slapped him for me. Thank you.

Ever since then, I have forgiven him, but I keep acting like a bitch around him. And I don't want to, but I am. It is like an instinctual reaction around him now. I don't get it. I seriously don't. I don't want to act like this around him. I still love him, but do I want him back? Will I fuck it up? Will he hurt me again?

This is why I don't like saying I love you or being too close to people. But I hate being alone as well. I don't want to be hurt. I get hurt easily. Things that you've said (Whoever the fuck is reading this) have probably hurt me and I've never let you know because I didn't want to hurt you or make you feel bad. It isn't like you did it on purpose. Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it to make any new relationships.

Also this experience reaffirms my belief that I fuck everything up and that I am useless and worthless.

Thank you for reaffirming my dark thoughts.

If you want to get technical by what is below-I have borderline personality disorder, but it is also from wikipedia so no proof it is true.

DSM-IV-TR criteria

The latest version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), the widely-used American Psychiatric Association guide for clinicians seeking to diagnose mental illnesses, defines Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as: "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts."[14] BPD is classed on "Axis II", as an underlying pervasive or personality condition, rather than "Axis I" for more circumscribed mental disorders. A DSM diagnosis of BPD requires any five out of nine listed criteria to be present for a significant period of time. There are thus 256 different combinations of symptoms that could result in a diagnosis, of which 136 have been found in practice in one study.[15] The criteria are:[3]

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5] Yep I feel that.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Defenintly unstable
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Oh Yes indeedy
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5] I don't know about this one.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. Yep on this one too, but most seem not to care *shrugs*
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Eeehh-I'm not fo sure about that one either.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness. Worthlessness-I feel it all the time. Everyone else seems to know at least a vague sense of what they want to be or do.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). Anyone who's seen me get pissed at my mother knows this one.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms Paranoid? Maybe? Ideation? What te hell? Delusions? Does that include hallucinations? I forgot what dissociative means.

Yep. That sums it all up right now.

Let's start with the car shall we?

Yesterday I went to a store and went inside-came back out and my car wouldn't start.

But before that-we all know that my back door is fucked up so I don't like people to open it because it can run down the batteries (it doesn't shut right unless you slam it hard). Well a friend of mine-Bryan-apparently opened it at sometime and the next morning (the day my car wouldn't start)I started my car and it said door open. Can you guess which door?

Yep that one.

Anyway so we thought it might be the battery, but it was a loose connection.

We got my car started so I went home.

The next day (today) me Kaitlynn Bryan and Diane were going to go to 3J's. Well, Bryan was coming to the door-Me and Diane both said not to open that door-go to the other side. Well, him, being the dumbfuck he seems to be, opens the door anyway. I told him I didn't like him opening the door because it drains the battery if you don't slam it right. (I didn't mention that he left it open then.) Then he says something about the starter (saying that was the problem yesterday). And that's when I was getting pissed-I wasn't mad at him until he said the thing about the starter. It was like a switch was turned on in my brain. And Bryan said he was walking home. Let him be that way I don't give a flying fuck.

Then when I get back from 3J's-the dumbfuck left the door unlocked.

Now what if my shit had disappeared? AKA STOLEN!

Then I called my mother about all this and she wouldn't listen. She's like-where's the car leaking from-HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW?!

I think I should become a recluse because then all I'd have to deal with really is the car problems.

Just because I love this song and heard it again today-I'll spread it around.

German text

Wer reitet so spät durch Nacht und Wind?
Es ist der Vater mit seinem Kind;
Er hat den Knaben wohl in dem Arm,
Er faßt ihn sicher, er hält ihn warm.

"Mein Sohn, was birgst du so bang dein Gesicht?"
"Siehst, Vater, du den Erlkönig nicht?
Den Erlenkönig mit Kron und Schweif?"
"Mein Sohn, es ist ein Nebelstreif."

"Du liebes Kind, komm, geh mit mir!
Gar schöne Spiele spiel' ich mit dir;
Manch' bunte Blumen sind an dem Strand,
Meine Mutter hat manch gülden Gewand."

"Mein Vater, mein Vater, und hörest du nicht,
Was Erlenkönig mir leise verspricht?"
"Sei ruhig, bleib ruhig, mein Kind;
In dürren Blättern säuselt der Wind."

"Willst, feiner Knabe, du mit mir gehn?
Meine Töchter sollen dich warten schön;
Meine Töchter führen den nächtlichen Reihn,
Und wiegen und tanzen und singen dich ein."

"Mein Vater, mein Vater, und siehst du nicht dort
Erlkönigs Töchter am düstern Ort?"
"Mein Sohn, mein Sohn, ich seh es genau:
Es scheinen die alten Weiden so grau."

"Ich liebe dich, mich reizt deine schöne Gestalt;
Und bist du nicht willig, so brauch ich Gewalt."
"Mein Vater, mein Vater, jetzt faßt er mich an!
Erlkönig hat mir ein Leids getan!"

Dem Vater grauset's, er reitet geschwind,
Er hält in Armen das ächzende Kind,
Erreicht den Hof mit Müh' und Not;
In seinen Armen das Kind war tot.


English translation

Who rides so late through night and wind?
It is the father with his child.
He has the little one well in the arm
He holds him secure, he holds him warm.

"My son, why hide your face in fear?"
"See you not, Father, the Erlking?
The Erlking with crown and flowing cloak?"
"My son, it is a wisp of fog."

"You sweet child, come along with me!
Such wonderful games I'll play with you;
Many lovely flowers are at the shore,
My mother has many golden garments."

"My father, my father, and do you not hear,
What the Erlking quietly promises to me?"
"Be calm, stay calm, my child;
The wind is rustling the dry leaves."

"Won't you come along with me, my fine boy?
My daughters shall attend to you so nicely;
My daughters do their nightly dance,
And they will rock you and dance you and sing you to sleep."

"My father, my father, do you not see there,
Erlking's daughters in that dark place?"
"My son, my son, I see it definitely:
It is the willow trees looking so grey."

"I love you; I'm charmed by your beautiful shape;
And if you are not willing, then I will use force."
"My father, my father, now he has taken hold of me!
Erlking has hurt me!"

The father shudders, he rides swiftly,
He holds in arm the groaning child,
He reaches the farmhouse with effort and urgency;
In his arms, the child was dead.

And because this must be teh lulz-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klAxlWvXdJU

JAPANESE VERSION WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

.yadot gnipyt si potpal ym woh ylsuoires si sihT
.won si ti tub ,thgin tsal siht ekil t'nsaw ti-gninrom siht pu ekow I eeS
.yldab os ffo em gnissip si ti dna sdrawkcab gnipyt si tI
!TI NMAD NAICINHCET A EM TEG TSUJ OS-xif ot elpmis eb dluohs melborp ym-ytic tiucric rof dloh no yltnerruc m'I
.siht rof noitalsnart eht tsop ll'I ,dexif si siht fi ,retaL

This is seriously how my laptop is typing today.

See I woke up this morning-it wasn't like this last night, but it is now.

It is typing backwards and it is pissing me off so badly.

I'm currently on hold for circuit city-my problem should be simple to fix-SO JUST GET ME A TECHNICIAN DAMN IT!

Later, if this is fixed, I'll post the translation for this.


The problem was with firefox-IE doesn't do it and word doesn't do it either

So I unistall and now I'm reinstalling.